


Nightmares

by auselessbroodygay



Category: Carmilla - All Media Types
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-28
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-09-02 19:53:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8681290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/auselessbroodygay/pseuds/auselessbroodygay
Summary: Two years later and she still has nightmares.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first thing I've written in years. It started as a blog post for my character on wrealms, but I wanted to post it to get feedback.
> 
> I don't own Carmilla. 
> 
> Thank you to Steph for always being there for me, and for helping me edit this, and convince me to post it. And to everyone else who helped me edit this, thank you creampuffs!
> 
> And to Lyssa for being my Carmilla and my muse for Laura. 
> 
> I don't have a tumblr, my twitter is @mstorilee_ I'm in an awesome D&D campaign if your into that stuff.

This still haunts me to this day, it still gives me nightmares. I was never ready to die, though who is really? I just thought I could change the way the story would end, I never wanted any of this, I never wanted the world to end, or to give away all my morals and end up killing people and betraying the girl that I had come to love. I still haven't came to terms that I caused all of this that my selfish actions had killed Carmilla's sister Mattie or Because I had pushed Carmilla so far away, I had to kill Vordenburg, that I never had a choice because he was going to kill Carmilla. Or how I relied on Danny so much that I ended up getting her killed because all I could think about was Carmilla.  
I started it because my roommate went missing, one event that ended up spiraling out of control, and by the time I realized I had no control of the situation, it was too late, we had already lost.

All I wanted to do was to save her, because the thought of loosing her didn't just break my heart, it tore me up inside. You never really understand how much you have to loose until you've lost it all. So I made a deal with a Death Goddess, to trade Carmilla's place for mine. Which ended up translating to "Bring all the talismans down to the pit and follow your heart. I didn't understand what that meant until it was too late, until the Dean ripped my heart out of my chest, and Carmilla watched me die in her arms. Even after she had tried so hard to keep me safe, to protect me from this fate, I knew in the end that one of us couldn't make it, and I couldn't let it be her. I had hoped that maybe in another lifetime, Carmilla would find me again that maybe I could find my way back to her. I never wanted Carmilla to watch me die, and I can only imagine what that did to her. 

And I did this because I love her, and I would do it all again if I had to.

But what they don't tell you is what the effect of dying and then being brought to life ( Because your girlfriend managed to beat a Death Goddess in Game is what I learned later.) Does to you. It wasn't so bad at first, but as the weeks and months went on, the nightmares became worse. It was always the same one, Where Carmilla watches me die, and then kills herself as the world is surrounded in hate and darkness, and the world ends, everyone blames me because I couldn't save them, it was my fault the world ended because I was selfish. I wake myself up screaming some nights, and other nights I just don't sleep at all. Running on 3-4 hours a sleep maybe 20 hours a night was rough at first, but i've been managing. I haven't told Carmilla, though I know she is worried. She can tell something is wrong I just don't know how to tell her, I don't know how to explain how guilty I feel for the self-sacrifice, how terrible it must have been to watch me die, and it was all my fault, because I caused it. 

" But You Saved the World, Laura." I hear that a lot, all my friends bring it up sometimes and I zone out, I really don't like talking about it, or I'll just tell them I don't remember what happened. Yeah I saved the world, but at what cost? Don't get me wrong I'm glad the world didn't end, but this isn't just some story or ideal that I had, though at first I thought this was just a story I could change, but it was so much more then that, it was the events that I caused that lead up to this moment. 

In the end, I wish some things turned out differently, that the selfish things that I had done wouldn't have brought it to this, but if it happened again, I would do it all again for her.


End file.
